春天來了。

this is a verbose diary entry.

good evening! currently 8:42 pm and i am drinking a matcha latte, indulging myself in a cacophony of feelings – mostly fatigue, a sense of inexplicable satisfaction, but also dread with the knowledge that i am completely running away from everything that i have yet to do, begrudgingly admitting that macarons and movies are not the solutions to my problems.

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part one: indifference engulfs

an hour ago i was floating aimlessly in a pool, as a direct result of being overwhelmed by a huge wave of emptiness at home (sometimes i feel like a soulless, inanimate object??).

i wanted to submerge myself in the heaviness of water, to push back against the currents as if that too meant sweeping myself out of the abyss i have been lingering in.

it was wonderful.

i spent half an hour embraced by the blank sky, which was completely littered with clouds, wondering what it is about the fog that feels so calming: fog that swallows the roofs of buildings, mist that drifts lazily in a ethereal, glorious haze.

perhaps it’s comfort from understanding that the roofs are behind the scenes, that there is more to what we see, or perhaps it’s the very fact that part of the world is gone, quieting the noises of our hectic universe.

and still, i sit here now, knowing that i’m eventually going to have to confront all the painful aspects of my life, that one day the fog will fade and skeletons emerge. for now though, i am lounging in my castle made of clouds, feeling on top of the world.

let me be.

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part two: i love i love i love the world

a state of mind i would like to forever be enveloped in.

i love the euphoria of listening to a song you love and just silently screaming at how good the melodies are, how unspeakable notes can transport you to a different world, bring out feelings you’ve never felt, the bluebirds you’ve always been too afraid to let out.

i love that i listen to my heart instead of my brain; feelings are perceived as the unreliable antithesis to rationality but to hell with rationality, because emotions are what make life life, not boring sensibility.

i love how deeply we feel, how easily we empathise, how overwhelmed love can make us. i love how here in our world there are people who care, people who show us that the world isn’t as broken as it looks. i love how anyone can choose to listen, to stay, to be the glue that seals the cracks of someone else’s heart.

i love when you smile at a stranger on the street and they smile back. i love how we alone have the power to make someone else’s day, because even though we seem insignificant in a gigantic world, to some people we are their world.

i love words fluttering on pages of books. i love books because they let us imagine a parallel world, a world that isn’t so flawed, a world where people are genuinely good. i love how everyone has their own story, their life another tale to tell.

i love that places exist where you can lie on the ground and stare at the stars, shining in splendour. i love that food trucks exist where it is possible to have orgasm-inducing burgers (this was yesterday, thank you zabrina!).

i love that in a world that is so messed up, there are still people holding onto hope: people that some consider foolish, hope that some consider futile, but still we do, unperturbed. i love that hope exists, that love exists, that silver linings exist. i love that even though the top seems invisible there is always something better to climb onto.